Baby massage - Research and Tradition

If you live in India and also learn about best practices from the net/books/doctor, its likely that you have the most conflicting opinions when it comes to baby massage and its tough to find out what to do.

This is a list of my conflicts and current decisions:

1. Smoke, kajal, powder, etc: Doctors say that the old practice of "dhuri" for the baby is not a good idea. In fact, lady from the free breastfeeding lectures by Breastfeeding Promotion Network of India goes ahead and says bluntly, "Its the woman who has given birth, not the baby. If you have such a strong belief that the warmth of the smoke creats strength, do what you want with the mother, but get the baby out of the room and away from the smoke." Kajal carries risk of infection, may have traces of lead and can block the tiny tear ducts. Powder can get into a baby's lungs and as such must not be used anywhere other than the diaper area if you must. No brainer there. I follow these guidelines and let the old women mutter about "today's people". That goes for oil in the ear, nose or any orifice.
2. Straightening legs: Its common practice in India to stretch the baby's legs out to strengthen them. Fact is that the baby will "unfurl" in three months or so anyway. The fetal position is not something they can switch off at birth, and it brings them security, conserves energy and is actually quite a good thing. I tell the massage woman not to use force, and if the baby cries, then that is the end of whatever she is doing, and she must move to the next thing. It goes against her every idea of doing the best she can for the baby, so I really have to watch like a hawk on this and bluntly tell her that it is enough of something if the baby complains. And mostly he doesn't.
3. Oil on the scalp: The fontanelle needs to be oiled to be closed is a common belief. Actually, like a cold lasts for a week or seven days depending on if you take medicine, the fontanelle will close approximately in two years or twenty four months depending on whether you oil it or not :D Pressure on the soft part is a bad thing. However, soft touch on the scalp is soothing, so I go by whether the baby seems to like it that day or not.
4. Exercise: The massage woman gently moves the baby's limbs to exercise him. This is great and Nisarg loves it most days. When he doesn't we don't do it, because if he is jerking in resistance, I imagine it will do more harm than good.
5. Swaddling: A typical baby massage and bath will be followed by swaddling as sure as the sky is blue. The baby seems to enjoy it and sleeps soundly, so its great. However, this swaddling is typically done very tight, which can cause hip dysplasia in the baby. What I do is ensure that the baby is open and free most of the time, and loosen the swaddling when the woman goes.
6. Hair removal: The massage woman has talked herself hoarse in one ear with the mother in law in the other - the baby hair on his forehead must be removed, or he will turn into an ugly, hairy grown up. Needless to say, they talk, I listen, and do nothing in that direction. If hair removal were such a great idea, we'd encourage our four year old daughters to get their eyebrows trimmed. Hair removed will grow again, and any changes in appearance are cosmetic till the hair falls out on its own. If it were a permanent solution, there would be no need for permanent hair removal ads for grown ups. We'd all DIY at home.
7. Oil for baby massage: Okay, this is a big one. Doctors tell you to go with coconut oil. The massage woman will recommend edible oils but use whatever you provide. Fancy friends will insist that olive oil is the thing (a status thing, since olive oil is a "good", exotic and expensive oil and no "commoners" in India have even heard of olives). Others would recommend Johnsons baby oil. Here's what I found. Doctors and tradition solidly of the same opinion, and backed by my experience of the baby. Coconut oil wins hands down. Excellent for the skin, inexpensive, no undesirable reactions on the skin.... Olive oil caused rashes on Nisarg - for whatever reason. Johnson's baby oil is a liquid paraffin based oil. NOT a good idea for massage, though I guess its fine for applying on the skin to keep it from drying. There have been many instances of skin rashes from this oil among people I know, online and people the massage woman knows. I have yet to hear of anyone regretting using coconut oil on a child. I have heard that almond oil is good too. A pediatrician friend said, "Don't create such a production out of it. Use your mother-in-law's coconut oil, almond oil, or cooking oil from the kitchen. If something creates a rash, discontinue it."

So, what are your experiences with advice based on research, tradition and social opinions? How do you manage? What choices do you make?

Tips to help baby crawl

Okay, so your baby is still not crawling. Maybe he's 5 months old, or just born..... we are all eager to see them crawl.

Okay, the first thing to realize is that a newborn put on the mother's stomach will crawl up to suckle (often, if not mostly). So crawling is not that big a difficulty. However, if you are talking about crawling to actually get somewhere significant.... you're going to soon wish he was getting into less things, but hey, here are some tips anyway.

1. Put baby on stomach when awake. Really, there is no such thing as too much. Reassure, comfort, pick up, whatever, but if you're putting the baby down awake, its the stomach that must be down. Really, a baby on the back is rather like a turtle on its shell. How will any crawling happen? Its definitely a learning by doing thing, and doing needs opportunity.
2. Be excited about it: Be thrilled by the fact that baby is on the stomach. Praise, laugh, get all thrilled, and chances are that baby will think its a good thing after all. A great tool if the baby is still undecided about how this stomach thing is.
3. Join your baby. On the floor. Yep. Go ahead, crawl yourself, and he may get some ideas.
4. Use toys and stuff. Your baby may not even seem to notice them, but they have. Babies are smart and quite curious about stuff. He may not seem to show interest initially, but leave him quiet for a bit, and he'll get all curious about the toy and want to get it. This needs crawling of course.
5. Acknowledge efforts. Really, praise everything, even if baby has feet in the air. If he feels good about trying rather than feeling burdned by expectations he doesn't understand, chances are that he's going to want to spend time investigating this new experience.
6. Interpret - interpret everything as success.. If baby waves hands and feet, he's going to end up moving in some direction or the other - fabulous. Cheer!

Use firm surfaces. A soft fluffy something is only going to bunch and absorb all baby's efforts and discourage him.

Leave arms and feet (particularly) bare and cover torso. This will give more grip to the parts that will push, and more slipperiness to the parts that will slide and make movement easier. Basically, what we are doing is simply creating an opportunity for the baby to discover that moving his limbs on the floor ends up moving his body. Once he gets that, start reorganizing your home to get rid of all baby-non-proof things at floor level.....

The torment of (in)decision

How does one go on fighting against all odds? How does one keep struggling to keep a family afloat, when no one else seems to care? How can a man look at his own flesh and blood child and keep coming home drunk? Where does a woman draw the line between giving up too easily and walking away while she can?

What does a mother answer a child curious about a father distanced because of her decisions? What does a mother answer a father about their child she's taking away?

The world is a cruel place. There are many who would like to listen to your woes and gleefully prescribe how things should be. And no "solution" fits the problem.

I'm going through a bad, bad time. Pressured on every front there is - relationships, money, responsibility, scarcity..... Naturally, since its me, it follows that the one place where me having a problem would have an easy answer has no problem. The joy of my life is Nisarg. I feel just peachy to be a mom. Other problems that were already huge before this little guy came are now overwhelming.

There are no easy answers. No one to support me if I walk away from my family, and no one to support the family financially if I walk away. The sorrow is that the only thing to crash in my absence would be the finances. Shows how used I allowed myself to be.

Now, I have a little one to think of. Safety, relationships, life.... I have made the choices that bring me here. He hasn't. How do I go on so that he doesn't suffer for mine?

Sensitive parenting

Didn't want to end the day on a sour note, so I just thought to share an awesome site and a must read for all parents. Aware parenting.

The first time I found this site, it was like coming home. Distressed by my mother-in-law's insistence to not pick up the baby all the time it cries, and to let it cry because "its good for the lungs", I was speaking with a friend about how disturbed I was with such an attitude, when she told me about how she disciplines her children by taking away some previlege when they are naughty. This made sense on the surface, but "felt wrong".

Considering that I was pregnant around when this happened, call it hormones, or inexperience, but I was getting increasingly insecure about my ability to raise my upcoming child, as everyone around me assured me that such permissiveness and listening to the child would only end in unruly children. I had no intention of doing any punishing what-so-ever. I had begun fearing that I may have bitten off more than I could chew by planning a child when I was obviously going to wreck its life as I would be unable to give it the kind of guidance it needed. My plan was more about role-modelling than disciplining. The back up plan was "keep living the love I feel, no matter what". What seemed like a good plan when I thought about it was falling to pieces with every bit of advice I got on the subject.

When I read this site, I literally felt like I finally came home, if home is where the heart lies. I didn't disagree with a word in there. It was like the writer simply took my wishes, organized them and wrote them out.

If you have a child, are a caregiver for a child, have a child as a close relative, or have ever interacted with a child, this site, and her books are for you. Its rare to find the insight of emotions we are used to applying to adults applied directly to children. And no, I don't even know the author. This is complete promotion because of conviction.

For that matter, forget children, and simply live these values with anyone you know, and you will transform your life.