Mother development

I used to think of myself as a pretty self aware person. And sure, to a great extent, I am. But then, the self is like an onion the more layers you peel off, the tastier the core remains.

Nisarg is throwing me into a new learning curve as a person. It is impossible to have masks with infants. They operate on such a primitive level, that they simply don't comprehend the masks. I may talk of patience and being there for him at 4am in the morning, but he knows what I will never verbalize - sleep, damnit!

Needless to say, it doesn't work. Then, as my impatience shows through, he gets agitated. Eventually, exhausted, I'm beyond impatience, and what he sees is what he gets. A limp, sleepy mom. And suddenly sleep sounds like a good idea to him too.

Approaching the same situaiton in another way, I could say that my moods transfer to him. If I'm tense, I will never be able to get him to relax. If I'm waiting for him to sleep, he's waiting right along with me.....

I may talk baby talk with him, but when I enjoy myself, I get gummy grins. When I'm just talking to "make him quiet" I get hurt and puzzled looks as he shreds my heart by looking into my eyes when he cries.

Many inexplicable situations later, I'm slowly starting to question the honesty of my behaviour. Sure. I'm honest to some extent. But what is the real issue? What are my feelings for my son that I disown because they are not "appropriate"?

This reminds me of some comments I got on my poem "What you see is what you get" on facebook and in my emails. The essence is:

A child gives birth to a mother.

The teacher comes as the humble student.

I think it is important that I remember that juust because I happened to be born earlier doesn't mean that I know it all. Just because he is dependent on me doesn't mean that the vast learnings he brings me are to be less respected than the most insightful guru around. Just because he isn't a famous guru doesn't mean that he is any less effective in transforming my life.

Its incredible how when I strip off all the facades, resign myself to the demise of all pretences and embrace the joy of simply being; how much joy I am able to spread. How much caring I am able to convey. How much support I am able to contribute.... How much MORE I am, just because a pint size teacher chose to be naked and embrace life with open arms.

My little sunflower

Just warms my heart to see,

This tiny piece of me

Full of smiles and coos

He has nothing to loose

As he follows me around with his eyes

When out of sight, he calls with cries

For he is my little sunflower,

And I'm his mother

Pain and fear

Just had some awful news. A friend of mine had a son recently and he developed some problems after birth and had to be hospitalized, where he died after two days. This must have been the hardest thing I have ever done..... I gave her a call and spoke with her briefly.

What do you say to a new mother who loses her child?

Just the thought of it was enough to shred all coherence from me, and we spent some torturous minutes of uncomprehending grief.

As a new mother myself, I have no fear greater than this, and I can only imagine how a mother who should have been celebrating instead is dealing with engorged breasts and no one to feed. All the hopes, dreams, love..... shattered.

I don't know what to say, I don't even know what to wish for.... Not my child. Mine is waving his hands and cooing as I swipe at tears, in a complete role reversal. For once, he doesn't know why I'm crying and what to do about it. I'm grateful that I'm crying over a loss I will not be living with.

The journey of vulnerability - A timeline

Two eyes met, attraction sparked.
Sexy, confident, secure

Two hearts met intention formed
Invincible together

Two lives merged, married
Embraced and celebrated

Differences arose, got resolved.... or not
Experience grew

A small line on a stick changed colour
Eagerness stirred

The new life coming up became more and more real
Plans began - would they be?

The child was born
The heart burst wide open

The child continued to be
starry dreams stood on stake

Choices swayed in the wind, uncertainties trembled on melting edges
would my baby pay the price of this unthinking ignorance?

and now.....

The secure heart has this gaping hole of vulnerability and glorious fragility marches forward with purpose.

What you see is what you get

What you see is what you get
I live with innocence.

Scary innocence like I never thought possible
Courage to be defenceless in the unknown
And face and meet whatever comes along
Till I want to hide him away to keep him safe

One little guy who smiles, cries, grunts, stares
And what you see is what you get

No camouflage, no subterfuge, no pretences, no protection
Can I bear it?

Can I have the courage to keep looking into this mirror day after day?
Can I rediscover myself to meet that honesty?

My life throws up difficulties of simplicity
My self expands to encompass everything and fails

Yet I keep living each moment to my capacity
There is one to whom I am all he knows as okay

Where I have the power to define an entire world
I try that what he gets is what he sees in me.