First Trimester done

Relief!!!

Today, I have completed 3 months since my LMP, which officially means that I'm done with my first trimester and will be beginning my second trimester from tomorrow.

I still can't believe I've made it.

I don't know what this anxiety is. Things have been different this time around on every front. I'm having more symptoms, starting to put weight slightly, all tests are good..... yet a part of me fears a repeat of the last time.

I try to think positive, but its not easy. As I celebrate each date and milestone, I remain aware exactly how far along I am, and how far I have to go, and so on.

I don't read more than a couple of weeks at the most ahead of where I'm supposed to be. Why? I don't know. I feel that its important to clear each step at a time. The slightest thing out of the ordinary, and I call up the doc, and research the daylights out of it on the net.

Is it normal? I don't know.

The husband is getting irritated with my constant surfing on the net about pregnancy, particularly when I insist on sharing every finding with him. He sees things as fine, and no reason to read details to bits and provide more fuel for worry. For me, its reassuring to know exactly what's happening, what's coming up, and then raise an alarm when something is different. Its as though I can be alert and spot any potential problems before they can create any damage.

Another friend of mine went through the same thing, and she thinks this constant worry happens regardless of history. Its just hormones and the insecurity of stepping into the unknown.

Sigh! So far, the husband has been proved right. All my tests are disgustingly normal. No trouble on any front other than my worries about troubles that could be, yet I can't let go.

At the moment, I'm indulging myself. It isn't harming anyone, and if it reassures me, I'm  just going to do it as long as I think I need to.

More pregnant than ever before

Today, I'm 11 weeks 5 days. This is when I'd started getting the backache that led to my previous miscarriage 2 years ago. I've been dreading this duration for quite some time, and a part of me sees reaching today as "progress".

I'm still scared of something going wrong, but at least, I'm now just two days away from the 12 weeks mark.

Cheers!!!

Test results and another meeting with the doc

I did all the tests on the list that the doc had given me yesterday and armed with the results, I went into the meeting today.

The results were absolutely normal. My BP and weight has been exactly where it should be all through, and now, we find that my sugar is normal, tests for other stuff we did are normal, no infections, no HIV, no surprises on the thyroid front..... All good.

It took sticking needles into me twice for blood. Once fasting, and once after eating. My veins are always difficult to find, and it was an experience I don't want to go through again.

I can rest slightly easy with these results though.

The progesterone injections continue. For someone so concerned about the baby, I sure raise a fuss about them. The thing is, I'm scared of needles. In fact, it is proof of how much I care for this little one that I turn up to get them on time. If I weren't pregnant, I'm the type to prefer the illness to an injected cure.

Sigh! I get a feeling that by the time this show is done, I'm going to get quite acclimatized to needles poking me. The doc simply pokes me with all sympathy, but pokes me for sure :(

We talked a bit about my symptoms and agree that my cravings for veggies and fruits are very convenient from a health perspective. The worrisome tendency to crash for days on end after exertion is something the doc is not worried about. She says she'd be more worried if I could go on, because it would mean I'm not listening to my body. Its just a matter of getting beyond early pregnancy into a happier phase, and discovering my new and lower endurance levels.

According to her, I can't do the baby harm like that, because basically, it takes what it needs from my body, which leaves me crashing like that. It still gets everything it wants. This is good to know. Wouldn't want the baby to suffer from maternal stupidity.

The good part is that I'm already into my 12th week and in a few days, the risk of miscarriage (my greatest fear) goes down dramatically. I can't wait for it to happen.

11 weeks ultrasound

The doctor wanted me to do an ultrasound at the end of my first trimester. I guess, I couldn't wait. I did one today.

The new ultrasound laboratory we had been referred to by my new doctor was wonderful. It was awful to wait with a full bladder, but what an ultrasound!

The doctor was completely "into" the process. Looking at everything in detail, examining, measuring, sharing what he saw with me...... For the first time it felt that I was able to see my baby clearly and through the efforts of someone who cared to ensure that everything was as it should be.

An email sent to a friend that evening:

Had another ultrasound. The technician was a star. What could have been another visit of trying to make sense of a grainy blob became magical when he initiated conversation with me and pointed out how it was moving (I'd thought it was because the machine was moving), its size, how things were normal, heartbeat again.... we watched the baby for a bit as he tried to get the best pics for the report, but in that search, we saw three distinct movements a wriggle kind of thing, a kick kind of thing, and a very definite bumping movement with its bottom. Wow!!!

First time I saw the guy, and I was so caught up with the magic, I didn't even notice that it was a rather intimate contact for an excited conversation between strangers :D I hope I get that technician each time I need an ultrasound.

Online pregnancy resources

Ever since that disastrous first meeting with the doctor, I've become obsessed with finding things out for myself. If I have a problem, what I should or shouldn't be eating, health suggestions, development of the baby.... the works. I just read on and on and on.

Many pregnancy sites give week by week information on the development of a pregnancy, including developments in baby, mother, symptoms and possible help, any tests that may be due around that time, etc.

I found this information to be of great help, as I was worried that not going to a "proper" gynaecologist may mean that we miss doing or checking something crucial.

No such thing has happened so far, but I have found out a whole lot of information that is quite interesting. Also, I have learned to start looking at my pregnancy in terms of weeks than months. I am always aware of exactly how many weeks and days along I am.

I guess a part of me is waiting to breathe in relief on completing the first twelve weeks and overcoming most of the risk of miscarriage. Everything is going fine, but my fear will not leave me.

Luckily these sites keep me entertained, and let me know what is happening to my baby. If is is actually happening, or things are going wrong is anyone's guess, but I like to imagine that my baby is growing like the pictures show.

Full onslaught of hormones

A friend offered a shoulder to cry on whenever I needed it, and look how thoroughly I used it today.

Heh, remember, you've asked for it :D

Ok here goes - bitching-and-whining list first:

1. Nausea is the greatest evil of mankind. The pregnancy glow is a hoax to sucker women into propagating the race
2. Life is reduced to bodily functions - sleep, piss, eat, cry, puke, piss, want to puke, cry, sleep, piss, sleep, puke, etc Did I mention sleep?
3. Having more than one child is a symptom of a liking for torture. Possible indication of insanity. Shrink before doc.
4. Everybody and his cousin knows what's good for you till you want to scream or kill someone
5. Desirable pregnant women are a myth or a symptom of delusions in my husband. If it pukes, bloats, farts and yawns every time approached, porn star boobs don't matter - it isn't a sexual creature
6. Some women apparently breeze through their pregnancies glowing and all that - don't trust them. It can't be natural.
   
7. People just don't understand that I am pregnant, not terminally ill, nor mentally deficient.'
8. Unmarried male friends get speechless with the news. Since women all over the world have been getting pregnant all the time, I'm not looking too closely at the surprise about ME being pregnant. It doesn't seem likely to translate into a compliment no matter how it unrolls.
9. I can feel something almost like sore muscles when I bend, stretch or sit hunched for a long time. Doesn't feel like a charming baby. Feels like something is inside that wasn't
10. people only understand cliched basketball stomachs as pregnant. The bigger the more believable. No one knows how much blood sweat and tears gets us there or cares how that impressive basket ball becomes a person - this definitely seems to be a case of size matters - bigger or smaller depending on whether you are watching or growing.
    

Blessings:

• I seem to be forgetting stuff these days, so hopefully, this experience is not going to return as nightmares, since I will forget it.
• Porn star boobs. Gone up a size already. Stomach is jealous and competing, so it isn't as awesome as it could have been. Still, I intend to enjoy it before the stomach wins.
  
• Husband and assorted friends will take a lot more crap from me than earlier.
• I get a kid at the end of all this.  - Don't know if I will call it a blessing in the future, so might as well take this chance

Milestones:

• Puked last week. After thinking of it for weeks, It happened. It seems to be like losing virginity - now that I've done it, it happens more easily and often
• Saw the heartbeat on ultrasound. Pure magic, though it did sound like a dog panting "sh...sh" very fast rather than any heartbeat I've ever heart. However, it sounded, it was there. Things are okay. All tests and measurements are as should be :)
• Doc put me on progesterone to prevent miscarriage (no issue now, but earlier miscarriage, so playing safe) progesterone is exactly how it sounds - a hormone. Guess what hormones do to pregnant women? Nausea, fatigue, crying, etc. Yippie! This is definitely not helping stabilize my usually whimsical and recently mercurial nature. If I wasn't convinced that the doctor cared deeply about this so far conceptual and statistical baby, I'd have happily put her first on my slaughter list.
  
• Officially declared my mind on vacation - I just don't recognize myself anymore. Never used to sleep in the afternoons, never was fussy about food, never was the tantrum variety. This alien in my body is, which is how I found out its not me
• No. I don't feel pregnant or maternal or any such thing. What I am feeling is mostly pissed which isn't even particularly feminine. The baby is still mostly hypothetical as far as my experience goes. The tests say it exists. My experience says nausea and the rest of the nasties exist, but there isn't anything remotely babylike that I can feel so far, unless you want to stretch imagination desperately and include the tightness in my stomach.
  
• Saw the mess in my cupboards. Considering how I wear long tops these days because my jeans are unbuttoned underneath, thought I'd pack away everything that doesn't fit. This meant that I packed away three formal trousers and some other clothes I'd never worn even once - its anyone's guess If I'll get into 26 inch waists ever again. Quite traumatic. NONE of my favourites fit. Naturally, I cried myself to exhaustion, leaving the puzzled husband with a cranky and sleepy wife, and a pile of clothes on the floor he dared not make a decision about for fear of upsetting me further.
• Other such incidents including sulking at the brother-in-law and then crying about his insensitivity because he joked that I gave him the cup with less tea in it and kept more for myself. He has since then avoiced me like the plague and speaks only when necessary, and VERY carefully. Don't know if he is being considerate or if I've finally managed to put him off women for good. For that matter don't know if that considerate is to protect his fragile feelings or mine.
  
• Felt left out because I hadn't spoken with people at work for over 4 days - didn't they think I was capable of working anymore?
  

If I am not careful, this alien that has shanghaied my body is going to ruin my well developed image of being a somewhat rational person sometimes.

This summarizes my existence. Believe me, if this is entertaining, it is a tribute to my phenomenal talent with language, and not the experience itself.

Phew, feels much lighter having shared all this. Wicked of me, but my choice of sharing this with you is because of your inexperience with pregnancy. At least you can't tell me that this is how it is for everyone and make soothing noises about how all women go through it, etc. I expect you to be fully indignant and appropriately sympathetic as required, because you don't know what's usual and can still get in touch with the shock of how something like this can impact the unsuspecting and unwary innocents like ourselves.

Vidyut

Felt much better after having written this. :D

Another doctor

Went to a local physician who has some pregnant women in her practice. Talkative, eccentric woman with an extreme agenda against religious practices that are harmful to health, which endeared her to me immediately.

I showed her the two ultrasound scans and the list of the different tests the other doctor (that we didn't like) had asked us to do. She wasn't particularly impressed with the ultrasounds, as they didn't contain anything to be particularly impressed about. She spoke about a lot of my concerns, and answered everything in detail.

This was very good, and finally I started feeling that someone was on our side. She rubbished the changed prescription for folic acid, saying that it was expensive and unnecessary and not better than what I was taking earlier in any way, saying that doctors often prescribed more expensive medicines to promote them. She said that I could finish the tablets I'd purchased and then go back to my original stuff, which was fine.

She said that it was good that I'd started the folic acid the minute I suspected pregnancy - even before the test. She said that the progesterone was a good idea, though we hadn't really tested my progesterone levels, and added a weekly injection to the mix.

She revised the list of tests and removed a couple and added one another one.

She recommended two labs - one for the ultrasound and the other for the bloodwork, which she liked for their work. I had never considered that some labs may be better than others until then, and had thought that my frustration with the uninspired ultrasound guy was something I'd have to live with.

Cautiously happy about the care I was receiving for the pregnancy, I returned home feeling much better.

I must say that this is a regular physician, and many people told me about how a gynaecologist is the best doctor for a pregnancy. She didn't seem as flashy or "in the lingo" as the other doctor. However, if I look at the population of the earth, I'm getting the feeling that good management of pregnancy is less about rocket science and more about careful attention. I'm willing to risk being attended to by a less than specialist who gives full attention, than a specialist who does a vaginal examination without any conversation and talking on a phone all through.

Another voluntary ultrasound

Still feeling very lost and resourceless, haunted by memories of the earlier miscarriage, I found myself needing reassurance that my baby was okay.

My visit to the doctors had been hopelessly uninformative, and I was feeling lost and helpless to know if my baby was okay.

It was silly, I knew, what would be would be, but today, for Valentine's Day, I treated myself to an ultrasound for reassurance purposes. The ultrasound technician was also not a very involved guy, or particularly interested in seeing much detail (or perhaps, how much detail can you see in a grain of rice through loads of flesh?) and I was vaguely irritated with him for not making much of an effort about the whole thing. He came to know that we hadn't seen the heartbeat in the previous ultrasound, and that was pretty much the only thing he looked for (165.71 bmp) other than the CRL (13.3mm) and cervix (3.5cm). Whatever, I knowing my baby's heart was beating and size was okay was what I needed.

Maybe it was a waste of money, but here is an email I sent to a close friend after the ultrasound.

Hi,

True to my paranoia, I was very worried about my baby today. I do it every 3 days or so, but this time, I had the possibility of doing an 8week ultrasound for the heart beat to reassure myself. I guess the last experience left more of a mark on me than I guessed. So I decided to treat myself to a Valentine's day gift - an ultrasound, though I had planned to stay away from the things unless necessary - heard that its not such a wonderful thing after all, though not evil.

What a beautiful experience. S/he was moving. I couldn't really understand it, it was all a blob in a circle, but the technician remarked that it was "active" - whatever that means, making getting a clearer image difficult. What do you expect from a kid of ours? Call it heriditary. He tuned in to the heartbeats, and I thought it was some machine error. Sounded more like the fast panting of a dog trying to go "sh...sh" - very fast 158BPM to 164BPM. I asked him if it was the heart beat when the monitor started showing rhythmic bumps and he seemed to be measuring them and it was. Blame the hormones, but I had tears in my eyes. I had feared the absence of that heart beat like the last time.

Also, unlike the last time, the dates I claim and the dates the ultrasound assesses match. This guy/gal is right how its supposed to be.

Spent an hour after returning staring at the prints, grinning. Now I know its definitely hormones - I have never needed more than a brief scan through to understand any data, and here I was staring at pictures of a blob and repetitive sound waves and reading the same "report" again and again, which basically says no more than all is as it should be. All my intelligence must be going to the kid, if I'm becoming so dumb.

Waiting for Raka to come home. I'm sure he needs to know this too. Happy Valentine's day to both the three of us!!!

And huge noisy kisses, major hugs and buckets of love and all that to you too!

Love,

Vidyut

See, what a difference one test can make?

Discovering exhaustion

I've been really out of things since the programme on the 31st. I barely got home and crashed. I slept through most of the next day, waking up feeling like I'd slogged for a full day, and crashing immediately after meals to sleep till the next hunger pangs.

Yesterday wasn't much better. I woke up barely in time to get ready and go to the doctor, at which point I was feeling fine. But the stressful experience tuckered me out completely, and I came back and slept. Woke up, ate slept. And so on.

Today, I'm sitting at the computer as I drink my morning tea, yawning already.

No points for guessing that I'm still tired from the 31st and recovering, but this is all very worrisome for me. I'm usually high energy, and sleeping in the day is an alien concept. Now, I barely wake up. Two hours, and I'm back horizontal.

Oh, the joys of pregnancy!

Told my colleagues at work

I am 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

We had been planning for  big training programme for a client on the 31st, at Resonate Consulting, where I work part time. It was a big thing, and all of us would be involved.

Concerned about what my pregnancy would mean to all this, I shared the news with everyone. It was the best decision I have made about the pregnancy so far. Everyone was supportive, and my responsibilities were immediately lightened to care for my changing energy levels.

The thing is, ever since I got the positive pregnancy test, my body seems to have figured out early pregnancy symptoms all on its own. I now feel nauseated, tired, sleepy, moody, and what not all of a sudden. I wonder if many of these symptoms are psychological, or if my hormones decided to fly about the same time as I discovered the pregnancy.

On some miserable level, its reassuring. The last pregnancy that I miscarried, I didn't have any symptoms at all, and then I miscarried. Perhaps the hormones were not enough? This time, all the symptoms made it feel more real and durable, miserable as they made me feel.

All the pampering at home and work feels good. I need loads of love and good wishes and I'm getting them. Good.

Definitely pregnant

Can't fool myself anymore. Second test postitive.

No clue how to proceed. Been disgustingly healthy and haven't needed a doctor for years, for anything beyond tetanus shots, which I can walk in and get anywhere.

The gynaec from the earlier time, when I had miscarried, is far from my home, and I have sad associations with going there.

I decide to visit a "materinity home" near my house, which is quite popular and has a good reputation for the competence of its doctors, and their preference for natural births. This is what I would want, I think.

I go to the local lab, and get the pregnancy test done professionally, in any case. When they ask, I also opt for an ultrasound confirmation (6 weeks), which shows pretty much nothing that makes sense other than a gestational sac confirming a pregnancy - not even a heartbeat.

I'll go to the doctor with the reports in my hand tomorrow.

Pregnancy test positive

The not smoking, not knowing has gotten to me.

Lit up a cigarette. Smelled strange. Didn't like it. Tossed it. What in the world is happening? Since when do I not like smoking? Something is definitely on.

Got a pregnancy test. Faaaaaaint line. Positive? Line got darker after half an hour (well past the time when I should be reading it). What does that mean?

Searched all over the online world. False positives, however faint, are rare unless I've been on HCG, which of course, I've not. I don't have much to do with doctors.

Will wait for a day or two and do the test again.

My heart knows I'm pregnant, and my husband thinks so too.

Am I Pregnant By Any Chance?

Periods are late. Been pregnant before. Miscarried. Not really planned a baby, but planning to have one soon, so if I am, its not a disaster. In fact, it is very welcome.

Since I was travelling when the LMP hit, I'm dead certain of the date. If I am..... I'm already in my sixth week.

Worries.

Had been comfortably pregnant 2 years ago to start a totally unexpected miscarriage just two days before I'd clear the 12 weeks mark. It could happen again.

Have stopped smoking till I know more.

Scared to take a test and make it all real, or be disappointed if I'm not.

Started folic acid in any case, just to be on the safe side.

Nervous. Worse, can't light up to deal with it.

Trying to distract myself into waiting for a couple of days to see if the periods start.