Which gynaec to choose?

Today has been a frustrating day indeed. I'm worried about my gynaecologist. Still haven't found anyone satisfactory, though I am going for check ups with one. There are three possibilities:

1. The busy one: She has a good reputation and all that, but is too busy, and getting an appointment is not possible.
2. The so-so one: She's the nearest to my home, but seems rather incompetent at times and not particularly interested in any symptoms I have.
3. The good one: Of the lot, she seems the best, but she's an hours drive away from where we live, though my parents live near by. She's not perfect, but much better than the other two in terms of interest in patient's experience, symptoms and concerns; as well as possibility for appointments for which she may be late, but its far better than being the last in whatever queue exists on arrival, regardless of appointment, as it is with 'the busy one'.

All in all, for a fabulous country, the maternity facilities seriously suck for all the expense they are.

Normal Anxiety or Pregnancy Paranoia

Okay, I've completed the first trimester, 13 weeks and am well into my 14th week. This is the most pregnant I've ever been, all is fabulous on the health front. Then, like Maria from The sound of Music, "Why am I so scared?"

Now that I've crossed the high risk of miscarriage period, I find other things to worry about - the still existing slight risk of miscarriage, scary write ups online that say smokers and older women (I'm 32) have a greater risk of premature birth.... oh what if I can't carry this little one till it can be healthy and safe?

I've been reading about the struggles preemies and their families face. While I deeply respect their courage and commitment, that is one thing I certainly don't want my little one to go through.

Yet, its like a road accident. I can't but be horrified and sad for the poor families struggling with such a difficult time, and I can't stop reading on. A part of me is cheering them on, celebrating their successes with them, enjoying their little victories, but I can't pretend that another part of me is not living in fear that something like this could happen to my precious one.

I spoke about these concerns with the family doctor I'm currently using, and she wasn't concerned. She told me not to worry about it and to trust that all will be well. That does exactly nothing to my fearful "what ifs".

I tried to find out what the scene is with facilities and support in India for such emergencies. The doctor says there's plenty of excellent facilities and support. I don't know what and where they are. I have yet to read of a single story from India that can tell me what a couple goes through in such circumstances in this country. What are the kind of premature support facilities available in India? NICU I believe they are called.

All in all, I'm worrying about things that may never happen in great detail.

Other times, I just read the stories and relate with the people, and don't feel a single twitch for my own baby - its healthy and happy, and all will be good.

Is this anxiety a normal "mood swing" or am I really being paranoid?

First Trimester done

Relief!!!

Today, I have completed 3 months since my LMP, which officially means that I'm done with my first trimester and will be beginning my second trimester from tomorrow.

I still can't believe I've made it.

I don't know what this anxiety is. Things have been different this time around on every front. I'm having more symptoms, starting to put weight slightly, all tests are good..... yet a part of me fears a repeat of the last time.

I try to think positive, but its not easy. As I celebrate each date and milestone, I remain aware exactly how far along I am, and how far I have to go, and so on.

I don't read more than a couple of weeks at the most ahead of where I'm supposed to be. Why? I don't know. I feel that its important to clear each step at a time. The slightest thing out of the ordinary, and I call up the doc, and research the daylights out of it on the net.

Is it normal? I don't know.

The husband is getting irritated with my constant surfing on the net about pregnancy, particularly when I insist on sharing every finding with him. He sees things as fine, and no reason to read details to bits and provide more fuel for worry. For me, its reassuring to know exactly what's happening, what's coming up, and then raise an alarm when something is different. Its as though I can be alert and spot any potential problems before they can create any damage.

Another friend of mine went through the same thing, and she thinks this constant worry happens regardless of history. Its just hormones and the insecurity of stepping into the unknown.

Sigh! So far, the husband has been proved right. All my tests are disgustingly normal. No trouble on any front other than my worries about troubles that could be, yet I can't let go.

At the moment, I'm indulging myself. It isn't harming anyone, and if it reassures me, I'm  just going to do it as long as I think I need to.

Online pregnancy resources

Ever since that disastrous first meeting with the doctor, I've become obsessed with finding things out for myself. If I have a problem, what I should or shouldn't be eating, health suggestions, development of the baby.... the works. I just read on and on and on.

Many pregnancy sites give week by week information on the development of a pregnancy, including developments in baby, mother, symptoms and possible help, any tests that may be due around that time, etc.

I found this information to be of great help, as I was worried that not going to a "proper" gynaecologist may mean that we miss doing or checking something crucial.

No such thing has happened so far, but I have found out a whole lot of information that is quite interesting. Also, I have learned to start looking at my pregnancy in terms of weeks than months. I am always aware of exactly how many weeks and days along I am.

I guess a part of me is waiting to breathe in relief on completing the first twelve weeks and overcoming most of the risk of miscarriage. Everything is going fine, but my fear will not leave me.

Luckily these sites keep me entertained, and let me know what is happening to my baby. If is is actually happening, or things are going wrong is anyone's guess, but I like to imagine that my baby is growing like the pictures show.