Two month old signing milk?

Okay, its likely that I'm over reacting, but twice (for sure, and once unsure) since yesterday evening, we've seen Nisarg opening and closing his fist deliberately - the sign for milk. Both times I responded by offering to feed him, and he was hungry and fed well.

I show him the baby signing time video often because its bright and has music and stuff. He enjoys the music, and watches on and off. I had never thought he was paying attention. Perhaps he isn't. I also do the sign for milk while I'm feeding him. That is something he definitely notices, as he is always looking intently at me as he feeds. I think he has realized that the sign for milk is accompanied by or followed by a feed.

Now, the question is if this is a coincidence or deliberate?

Everything I've read about baby sign language indicates that babies don't start signing till they are 6 months old, as they don't have that kind of coordination till then. On the other hand, Nisarg is definitely opening and closing his hands when he is hungry. It is not a very proper opening and closing - more like an uncurling of his fingers and curling back - neither does he make a proper fist, nor does he make his fingers completely straight.

It is quite likely that I'm imagining things.

On the other hand, a friend who runs a developmental toys library made an insightful comment when I told her about Nisarg letting me know when he wants to pee. She said, "They are telling us a great many things all through. It is about how observant and intuitive we are." She thought it was a sign of my sensitivity and attention that I picked up his cues and we had a day without wetting a single diaper.

So I like to think that Nisarg is making the sign for milk. Whether he is actually trying to tell me, or simply hungry and remembers that sign as associated with feeding, I don't know. He does it quite absently, like he is when he is talking to himself. As opposed to when he coos to us. So I think maybe he remembers the sign when he is hungry, without actually signing for us as such.

I'll try to shoot a video and post it here, and you guys can tell me what you think.

Update: I tried this time when he did it, and he got distracted and started interacting with me.... So no go. Will try again when he does it.

Ooookay, pregnant in my 8th month

Quick post to satisfy all those who want to know how I look now.

This is how I look. Not such a great pic, but I guess you can't miss the gist of things as they are. :D

No, its not really me. I'm acting so different from my normal self, that its only to be expected that I look different too!

And no, for once, I'm not going to write about how bulky and awkward I'm getting, various aches and pains, and all that.... In fact, I didn't just write this either.

Planning Labour and Delivery

I've been thinking of labour and delivery for many days. Not with any fear, just to plan what to expect and make my desires clear to the doctor and things like that. Then why do I say not with fear? Because every pregnancy site seems to talk about this with fear as the main theme. Strange. I thought these guys were trying to reassure people, but that's for another day.

My dilemma was different. I was reading about all these wonderful things to keep in mind - natural birth, freedom of movement, skin to skin contact immediately after birth, breastfeeding, and what not.

This morning, I woke up in a 'what will be will be' space.

Each "maternity home" I spoke with this about seems to have a similar take on things, which is described as "out-dated" on most sites - free to move till birth is imminent, and then on your back with your legs wide you go. They are happy not to feed your kid, but if your milk doesn't seem to be coming down, they 'recommend against' letting the baby go hungry, etc. That kind of stuff.

One thing I can do is educate myself online, make demands on the maternity homes, and overall become a problem patient that takes them out of their zone of practiced efficiency. It has the added bonus of driving me insane trying to figure out details of an experience I'm clueless about.

Without any of those fancy articles to tell me, I can straightaway predict some results from that:

• The staff is going to be distracted by my demands
• The staff is either going to resent being ordered around by an inexperienced patient with a 'know-it-all' complex, or they are going to wonder what their next step will be, all through.
• Its going to add stress to me, knowing that the staff don't have a routine in place for what I want.
• Its going to stress the husband, who's already a certified wimp about me being in pain and force him to keep in mind things and get into arguments in a time when I'd rather he focus on me and the kid and celebrate the moment.
• An unpracticed team is less efficient, and more importantly, I'm not a part of it, so suggestions taking them out of their comfort zone in a high stress time are not exactly going to be welcome - this is not the best 'care' plan for myself.

So now what? I've got this beautiful image of a perfect delivery, which seems to be a little skewed by reality. Even the doctor being pro-natural birth doesn't mean anything in an emergency.  What do I do?

Well..... I follow my rule for dealing with tough situations - I suck it in, and know that I can deal with ANYTHING short-term. Going to the absolute worst-case scenario, where I lie on my back and give birth to a kid I get to hold after being cleaned only. So what? It will hurt - d'uh like it won't in other positions? The kid will fare better - that's a joke, right? I mean its not like doing this one thing will guarantee an awesome life for the kid. Nor is it the only thing I can do to ensure that result.

What I think I need to do is take the stress out of the game for a less painful experience all around. I need to look at what makes me not fear labour.

Its simple. I know it will hurt. I know I want to go natural, so I'm probably going to feel every moment of it. On the other hand, I've have a 'track-history' of living through tough times all my life (haven't died yet). Also, look at the population of the world. Whatever agony there is, its obviously short term, or we wouldn't have people around. Short term I can do.

And then, there is always the option of screaming the place down until they do something for my pain :D

Helps to know I won't be helpless.

Helps to know I will have Raka with me and he is not going to love me any less no matter what choices I make.

Helps to know the doctor has a reputation for being pro-natural birth, and has been known to coach people through tough moments rather than reach for the needle.

So, I will move as I like till someone tells me to get my bottom on the table. So, I will, when the baby is born, if I have the energy left, ask to hold it before they do whatever they have to. I doubt if anyone is going to tell a mother that she can't hold her baby in that moment - this is better than planning a demand. If I don't have the energy, Raka will ask to hold her. If it doesn't happen, so be it.

Just last month, I'd been reading about preemies who weren't held by their parents for weeks after they were born, who are growing up healthy. No matter what, I'll sure hold mine before that much time passes. What's a couple of hours in the greater scheme of things?

The same goes for breastfeeding. Sure, I want to breastfeed my child. Sure I don't want it to get anything other than breast milk for 6 months. However, if my milk is slow in coming down (or whatever their measure of a hungry baby is), they are not going to give my little one anything poisonous with the awesome reputation they have. They do have a reputation for supporting breastfeeding too. The little one and I will suck it up, and work with it in another couple of days when we are home free.

Who knows how the shangrila from the articles translates into practical life? Since all of them seem to agree, it seems to be 'the correct' look at things. Yet, most articles also agree that a woman in her 29th week (or similar) starts thinking about breastfeeding, snoozer pillows and other pregnancy pillows are God's planned way for pregnant women to sleep, etc. This couldn't be farther than the truth - I've been thinking about breastfeeding ever since a friend brought up the subject in my first trimester, tried all kinds of pillows and what works for me is my husband (there's more psychology than ability to relieve discomfort in getting me to crash).  Obviously more a case of lack of originality than the ultimate voice of truth in these sites.

Sure, to some extent, we get suckered into the whole unconscious set up. For example, I AM writing this blog (like the pregnancy sites recommend - though they probably do it to get free content and traffic for their site), I am writing this post in my 30th week of pregnancy, I did speak of fear related to labour, even though I don't feel it.... somewhere, too much exposure to these unconscious patterns sucks us into the scene.

Anyway, this skepticism of mine extends to those perfect labours as well. The information is all good, but when there is a mismatch between imagination and reality, I'm not going to stress over how to make reality match imagination, but simply go with the flow, and ask for what I need where possible, and see where it takes me.

Hearing Progress?

I've completed my 29th week of pregnancy now. Each passing week makes me feel like I've achieved something major for the baby, though the fact is, I'm doing nothing new.

I am noticing some patterns in the baby's responses.

• When I first started feeling the movements, they were pretty much random, and I could feel them only when I was absolutely quiet - mostly lying down to sleep.
• Then, they slowly became more frequent, and I could feel them more clearly unless I was physically active.
• Then I noticed that they happened when I played certain kinds of music.
• Then I noticed that they started happening when Raka (my husband) stopped speaking or left the room.
• Around the last week or so, we noticed that loud sounds resulted in kicks, particularly sounds like a cheering audience, etc.
• Last night, we realized that there are also responses to changes in tone. For example, kicks can quieten down with my voice or Raka's or when I hear some humorous narrations at night (every night) as I sleep and just as the narration is concluding, the baby starts kicking. Don't know what it understands, but the timing is exactly as P L Deshpande starts wrapping up the session and his tone changes, while it is still with very few and soft movements while its on. Sometimes I think this kid is going to be born thinking of P L Deshpande's voice as that of a family member. :D

Am I noticing some development in my little one's ability to hear, or am I just "wishful thinking" myself into seeing these things?

On a positive side, the medicines the doctor gave me (vitamins) seem to be helping. My stomach discomfort is slightly less. I haven't really made any changes in my diet of nightly feet elevation, but I'd used dukh-daba-vlep (which is kind of like an ayurvedic painkilling/swelling reducing plaster) some 3 days ago. Don't know if its the vitamins or the plaster, but this morning my foot looked almost completely normal. No swelling, just a vague, look of having been swollen earlier. So I am quite relieved.

BTW, while I didn't do it this time, I had earlier noticed that eating bananas helps get swelling down. Something to do with the potassium in them helping the sodium get balanced or something. So, if you're struggling with swelling, it may be worthwhile to give eating bananas before sleeping (or even at other times) a shot.

Is it the baby?

Last night, as I was just about to fall asleep, I felt a touch/tickle in my lower stomach. Not gas. I woke up straight away. Was it the baby? Was it not the baby?

Woke up my husband. Told him. He was drowsy, but heard me out and pointed out that if it was the baby, then that ends a lot of my worries about it.

I continued to speculate, and he got a little grumpy. He wanted me to SLEEP! He said, there was no way he would know, since he hadn't felt it, and wondering was not going to bring answers, while sleep was important for me.

I shut up, and let him drift off again. I waited for a long time, but no more touch/tickle happened. At some point, I guess I fell asleep.

This morning, I called up a couple of people who had been pregnant recently to find out when they first felt the baby. All of them said in the fifth month. Great! I'm in my fourth. So was it the baby? No clue.

Read up online. Many second time moms felt movement early, but I was a first time mom. Plus there were plenty of people claiming to feel movement as early as 6 weeks, which didn't really make sense, so there was no way of knowing who was truly speaking of quickening (yeah, that's what its called) and who was not. From the sound of it, most first time moms were in the same boat as me.

Finally, I reached the conclusion that there was no way of knowing what exactly what I felt was. Great! Another point to the husband. What he figured out with his earthy logic within 30 seconds, I researched and found out in a whole day.

We still don't know if it is the baby. I still haven't felt anything similar to what I felt last night.

BTW, I'm now officially growing a bump. I seemed to have one for a long time now, as I started growing out of clothes almost with the HPT changing colour, but most of it was gas and bloating. Now, well, I'm not as gassy and the stomach is actually larger. I still fit into the loosest of my earlier clothes, but most of them are out of action for six months or more (IF I ever get back to my 26" waist and use those expensive trousers that I've never worn.....)

Normal Anxiety or Pregnancy Paranoia

Okay, I've completed the first trimester, 13 weeks and am well into my 14th week. This is the most pregnant I've ever been, all is fabulous on the health front. Then, like Maria from The sound of Music, "Why am I so scared?"

Now that I've crossed the high risk of miscarriage period, I find other things to worry about - the still existing slight risk of miscarriage, scary write ups online that say smokers and older women (I'm 32) have a greater risk of premature birth.... oh what if I can't carry this little one till it can be healthy and safe?

I've been reading about the struggles preemies and their families face. While I deeply respect their courage and commitment, that is one thing I certainly don't want my little one to go through.

Yet, its like a road accident. I can't but be horrified and sad for the poor families struggling with such a difficult time, and I can't stop reading on. A part of me is cheering them on, celebrating their successes with them, enjoying their little victories, but I can't pretend that another part of me is not living in fear that something like this could happen to my precious one.

I spoke about these concerns with the family doctor I'm currently using, and she wasn't concerned. She told me not to worry about it and to trust that all will be well. That does exactly nothing to my fearful "what ifs".

I tried to find out what the scene is with facilities and support in India for such emergencies. The doctor says there's plenty of excellent facilities and support. I don't know what and where they are. I have yet to read of a single story from India that can tell me what a couple goes through in such circumstances in this country. What are the kind of premature support facilities available in India? NICU I believe they are called.

All in all, I'm worrying about things that may never happen in great detail.

Other times, I just read the stories and relate with the people, and don't feel a single twitch for my own baby - its healthy and happy, and all will be good.

Is this anxiety a normal "mood swing" or am I really being paranoid?

First Trimester done

Relief!!!

Today, I have completed 3 months since my LMP, which officially means that I'm done with my first trimester and will be beginning my second trimester from tomorrow.

I still can't believe I've made it.

I don't know what this anxiety is. Things have been different this time around on every front. I'm having more symptoms, starting to put weight slightly, all tests are good..... yet a part of me fears a repeat of the last time.

I try to think positive, but its not easy. As I celebrate each date and milestone, I remain aware exactly how far along I am, and how far I have to go, and so on.

I don't read more than a couple of weeks at the most ahead of where I'm supposed to be. Why? I don't know. I feel that its important to clear each step at a time. The slightest thing out of the ordinary, and I call up the doc, and research the daylights out of it on the net.

Is it normal? I don't know.

The husband is getting irritated with my constant surfing on the net about pregnancy, particularly when I insist on sharing every finding with him. He sees things as fine, and no reason to read details to bits and provide more fuel for worry. For me, its reassuring to know exactly what's happening, what's coming up, and then raise an alarm when something is different. Its as though I can be alert and spot any potential problems before they can create any damage.

Another friend of mine went through the same thing, and she thinks this constant worry happens regardless of history. Its just hormones and the insecurity of stepping into the unknown.

Sigh! So far, the husband has been proved right. All my tests are disgustingly normal. No trouble on any front other than my worries about troubles that could be, yet I can't let go.

At the moment, I'm indulging myself. It isn't harming anyone, and if it reassures me, I'm  just going to do it as long as I think I need to.

More pregnant than ever before

Today, I'm 11 weeks 5 days. This is when I'd started getting the backache that led to my previous miscarriage 2 years ago. I've been dreading this duration for quite some time, and a part of me sees reaching today as "progress".

I'm still scared of something going wrong, but at least, I'm now just two days away from the 12 weeks mark.

Cheers!!!