Normal Anxiety or Pregnancy Paranoia

Okay, I've completed the first trimester, 13 weeks and am well into my 14th week. This is the most pregnant I've ever been, all is fabulous on the health front. Then, like Maria from The sound of Music, "Why am I so scared?"

Now that I've crossed the high risk of miscarriage period, I find other things to worry about - the still existing slight risk of miscarriage, scary write ups online that say smokers and older women (I'm 32) have a greater risk of premature birth.... oh what if I can't carry this little one till it can be healthy and safe?

I've been reading about the struggles preemies and their families face. While I deeply respect their courage and commitment, that is one thing I certainly don't want my little one to go through.

Yet, its like a road accident. I can't but be horrified and sad for the poor families struggling with such a difficult time, and I can't stop reading on. A part of me is cheering them on, celebrating their successes with them, enjoying their little victories, but I can't pretend that another part of me is not living in fear that something like this could happen to my precious one.

I spoke about these concerns with the family doctor I'm currently using, and she wasn't concerned. She told me not to worry about it and to trust that all will be well. That does exactly nothing to my fearful "what ifs".

I tried to find out what the scene is with facilities and support in India for such emergencies. The doctor says there's plenty of excellent facilities and support. I don't know what and where they are. I have yet to read of a single story from India that can tell me what a couple goes through in such circumstances in this country. What are the kind of premature support facilities available in India? NICU I believe they are called.

All in all, I'm worrying about things that may never happen in great detail.

Other times, I just read the stories and relate with the people, and don't feel a single twitch for my own baby - its healthy and happy, and all will be good.

Is this anxiety a normal "mood swing" or am I really being paranoid?

First Trimester done

Relief!!!

Today, I have completed 3 months since my LMP, which officially means that I'm done with my first trimester and will be beginning my second trimester from tomorrow.

I still can't believe I've made it.

I don't know what this anxiety is. Things have been different this time around on every front. I'm having more symptoms, starting to put weight slightly, all tests are good..... yet a part of me fears a repeat of the last time.

I try to think positive, but its not easy. As I celebrate each date and milestone, I remain aware exactly how far along I am, and how far I have to go, and so on.

I don't read more than a couple of weeks at the most ahead of where I'm supposed to be. Why? I don't know. I feel that its important to clear each step at a time. The slightest thing out of the ordinary, and I call up the doc, and research the daylights out of it on the net.

Is it normal? I don't know.

The husband is getting irritated with my constant surfing on the net about pregnancy, particularly when I insist on sharing every finding with him. He sees things as fine, and no reason to read details to bits and provide more fuel for worry. For me, its reassuring to know exactly what's happening, what's coming up, and then raise an alarm when something is different. Its as though I can be alert and spot any potential problems before they can create any damage.

Another friend of mine went through the same thing, and she thinks this constant worry happens regardless of history. Its just hormones and the insecurity of stepping into the unknown.

Sigh! So far, the husband has been proved right. All my tests are disgustingly normal. No trouble on any front other than my worries about troubles that could be, yet I can't let go.

At the moment, I'm indulging myself. It isn't harming anyone, and if it reassures me, I'm  just going to do it as long as I think I need to.

More pregnant than ever before

Today, I'm 11 weeks 5 days. This is when I'd started getting the backache that led to my previous miscarriage 2 years ago. I've been dreading this duration for quite some time, and a part of me sees reaching today as "progress".

I'm still scared of something going wrong, but at least, I'm now just two days away from the 12 weeks mark.

Cheers!!!

Test results and another meeting with the doc

I did all the tests on the list that the doc had given me yesterday and armed with the results, I went into the meeting today.

The results were absolutely normal. My BP and weight has been exactly where it should be all through, and now, we find that my sugar is normal, tests for other stuff we did are normal, no infections, no HIV, no surprises on the thyroid front..... All good.

It took sticking needles into me twice for blood. Once fasting, and once after eating. My veins are always difficult to find, and it was an experience I don't want to go through again.

I can rest slightly easy with these results though.

The progesterone injections continue. For someone so concerned about the baby, I sure raise a fuss about them. The thing is, I'm scared of needles. In fact, it is proof of how much I care for this little one that I turn up to get them on time. If I weren't pregnant, I'm the type to prefer the illness to an injected cure.

Sigh! I get a feeling that by the time this show is done, I'm going to get quite acclimatized to needles poking me. The doc simply pokes me with all sympathy, but pokes me for sure :(

We talked a bit about my symptoms and agree that my cravings for veggies and fruits are very convenient from a health perspective. The worrisome tendency to crash for days on end after exertion is something the doc is not worried about. She says she'd be more worried if I could go on, because it would mean I'm not listening to my body. Its just a matter of getting beyond early pregnancy into a happier phase, and discovering my new and lower endurance levels.

According to her, I can't do the baby harm like that, because basically, it takes what it needs from my body, which leaves me crashing like that. It still gets everything it wants. This is good to know. Wouldn't want the baby to suffer from maternal stupidity.

The good part is that I'm already into my 12th week and in a few days, the risk of miscarriage (my greatest fear) goes down dramatically. I can't wait for it to happen.

11 weeks ultrasound

The doctor wanted me to do an ultrasound at the end of my first trimester. I guess, I couldn't wait. I did one today.

The new ultrasound laboratory we had been referred to by my new doctor was wonderful. It was awful to wait with a full bladder, but what an ultrasound!

The doctor was completely "into" the process. Looking at everything in detail, examining, measuring, sharing what he saw with me...... For the first time it felt that I was able to see my baby clearly and through the efforts of someone who cared to ensure that everything was as it should be.

An email sent to a friend that evening:

Had another ultrasound. The technician was a star. What could have been another visit of trying to make sense of a grainy blob became magical when he initiated conversation with me and pointed out how it was moving (I'd thought it was because the machine was moving), its size, how things were normal, heartbeat again.... we watched the baby for a bit as he tried to get the best pics for the report, but in that search, we saw three distinct movements a wriggle kind of thing, a kick kind of thing, and a very definite bumping movement with its bottom. Wow!!!

First time I saw the guy, and I was so caught up with the magic, I didn't even notice that it was a rather intimate contact for an excited conversation between strangers :D I hope I get that technician each time I need an ultrasound.

Online pregnancy resources

Ever since that disastrous first meeting with the doctor, I've become obsessed with finding things out for myself. If I have a problem, what I should or shouldn't be eating, health suggestions, development of the baby.... the works. I just read on and on and on.

Many pregnancy sites give week by week information on the development of a pregnancy, including developments in baby, mother, symptoms and possible help, any tests that may be due around that time, etc.

I found this information to be of great help, as I was worried that not going to a "proper" gynaecologist may mean that we miss doing or checking something crucial.

No such thing has happened so far, but I have found out a whole lot of information that is quite interesting. Also, I have learned to start looking at my pregnancy in terms of weeks than months. I am always aware of exactly how many weeks and days along I am.

I guess a part of me is waiting to breathe in relief on completing the first twelve weeks and overcoming most of the risk of miscarriage. Everything is going fine, but my fear will not leave me.

Luckily these sites keep me entertained, and let me know what is happening to my baby. If is is actually happening, or things are going wrong is anyone's guess, but I like to imagine that my baby is growing like the pictures show.

Full onslaught of hormones

A friend offered a shoulder to cry on whenever I needed it, and look how thoroughly I used it today.

Heh, remember, you've asked for it :D

Ok here goes - bitching-and-whining list first:

1. Nausea is the greatest evil of mankind. The pregnancy glow is a hoax to sucker women into propagating the race
2. Life is reduced to bodily functions - sleep, piss, eat, cry, puke, piss, want to puke, cry, sleep, piss, sleep, puke, etc Did I mention sleep?
3. Having more than one child is a symptom of a liking for torture. Possible indication of insanity. Shrink before doc.
4. Everybody and his cousin knows what's good for you till you want to scream or kill someone
5. Desirable pregnant women are a myth or a symptom of delusions in my husband. If it pukes, bloats, farts and yawns every time approached, porn star boobs don't matter - it isn't a sexual creature
6. Some women apparently breeze through their pregnancies glowing and all that - don't trust them. It can't be natural.
   
7. People just don't understand that I am pregnant, not terminally ill, nor mentally deficient.'
8. Unmarried male friends get speechless with the news. Since women all over the world have been getting pregnant all the time, I'm not looking too closely at the surprise about ME being pregnant. It doesn't seem likely to translate into a compliment no matter how it unrolls.
9. I can feel something almost like sore muscles when I bend, stretch or sit hunched for a long time. Doesn't feel like a charming baby. Feels like something is inside that wasn't
10. people only understand cliched basketball stomachs as pregnant. The bigger the more believable. No one knows how much blood sweat and tears gets us there or cares how that impressive basket ball becomes a person - this definitely seems to be a case of size matters - bigger or smaller depending on whether you are watching or growing.
    

Blessings:

• I seem to be forgetting stuff these days, so hopefully, this experience is not going to return as nightmares, since I will forget it.
• Porn star boobs. Gone up a size already. Stomach is jealous and competing, so it isn't as awesome as it could have been. Still, I intend to enjoy it before the stomach wins.
  
• Husband and assorted friends will take a lot more crap from me than earlier.
• I get a kid at the end of all this.  - Don't know if I will call it a blessing in the future, so might as well take this chance

Milestones:

• Puked last week. After thinking of it for weeks, It happened. It seems to be like losing virginity - now that I've done it, it happens more easily and often
• Saw the heartbeat on ultrasound. Pure magic, though it did sound like a dog panting "sh...sh" very fast rather than any heartbeat I've ever heart. However, it sounded, it was there. Things are okay. All tests and measurements are as should be :)
• Doc put me on progesterone to prevent miscarriage (no issue now, but earlier miscarriage, so playing safe) progesterone is exactly how it sounds - a hormone. Guess what hormones do to pregnant women? Nausea, fatigue, crying, etc. Yippie! This is definitely not helping stabilize my usually whimsical and recently mercurial nature. If I wasn't convinced that the doctor cared deeply about this so far conceptual and statistical baby, I'd have happily put her first on my slaughter list.
  
• Officially declared my mind on vacation - I just don't recognize myself anymore. Never used to sleep in the afternoons, never was fussy about food, never was the tantrum variety. This alien in my body is, which is how I found out its not me
• No. I don't feel pregnant or maternal or any such thing. What I am feeling is mostly pissed which isn't even particularly feminine. The baby is still mostly hypothetical as far as my experience goes. The tests say it exists. My experience says nausea and the rest of the nasties exist, but there isn't anything remotely babylike that I can feel so far, unless you want to stretch imagination desperately and include the tightness in my stomach.
  
• Saw the mess in my cupboards. Considering how I wear long tops these days because my jeans are unbuttoned underneath, thought I'd pack away everything that doesn't fit. This meant that I packed away three formal trousers and some other clothes I'd never worn even once - its anyone's guess If I'll get into 26 inch waists ever again. Quite traumatic. NONE of my favourites fit. Naturally, I cried myself to exhaustion, leaving the puzzled husband with a cranky and sleepy wife, and a pile of clothes on the floor he dared not make a decision about for fear of upsetting me further.
• Other such incidents including sulking at the brother-in-law and then crying about his insensitivity because he joked that I gave him the cup with less tea in it and kept more for myself. He has since then avoiced me like the plague and speaks only when necessary, and VERY carefully. Don't know if he is being considerate or if I've finally managed to put him off women for good. For that matter don't know if that considerate is to protect his fragile feelings or mine.
  
• Felt left out because I hadn't spoken with people at work for over 4 days - didn't they think I was capable of working anymore?
  

If I am not careful, this alien that has shanghaied my body is going to ruin my well developed image of being a somewhat rational person sometimes.

This summarizes my existence. Believe me, if this is entertaining, it is a tribute to my phenomenal talent with language, and not the experience itself.

Phew, feels much lighter having shared all this. Wicked of me, but my choice of sharing this with you is because of your inexperience with pregnancy. At least you can't tell me that this is how it is for everyone and make soothing noises about how all women go through it, etc. I expect you to be fully indignant and appropriately sympathetic as required, because you don't know what's usual and can still get in touch with the shock of how something like this can impact the unsuspecting and unwary innocents like ourselves.

Vidyut

Felt much better after having written this. :D